What I Would have Tweeted

If you follow us on Twitter (@bourbonmeyer), you probably saw my promise of tweeting from the Southwest Classic at Cowboys Stadium featuring the Arkansas Razorbacks vs the Texas A&M Aggies last Saturday.  What I didn’t know, however, was that Jerry Jones has some type of cell phone signal blocking device he turns on during a game to force you to focus on his billion-dollar football palace.  There were 6 iPhones in the 10 seats around me and only one of us could get a signal for a split second at any given time.  All the while, a giant “AT&T Wireless” advertisement was mocking us from the opposite end zone.

Though it’s not as fun as real time, I took notes during the game on what I wanted to tweet.  Since I’m not limited to 140 characters in this article, some of these are a bit longer than they normally would have been.  Hopefully they are still good for a few laughs.  In full disclosure, I’m an Arkansas Alum, so there is a definite slant toward the Hogs in these tweets.

“This is the most I’ve ever paid for a college game.  Jerry Jones has to get PAID!”

“Plenty of good seats still available….”

“Considering the fans, Skoal and Coppenhagen are making a killing at this game. Yes, I’m included in that”

“Of course Arkansas is giving Jerry Jones an Alumni award in his billion dollar stadium. Ticket prices go up $50 next year if they don’t!”

“Tribute to Pat Tillman and the ‘Tillman Scholars’ during a break.  Very nice.”

“The guy sitting next to me is calling Arkansas false starts while they are still in the huddle.  He’s right 85% of the time.”

“An A&M fan on the jumbotron holds a sign that reads, ‘Win or lose, you still have to go back to Arkansas after the game.’ Everyone around me shakes their head in disgust, but has nothing to say…”

“For a stadium with AT&T as a sponsor, coverage is pissing me off.  About to toss my iPhone off the 3rd deck”

“Arkansas has given up 107467 yards of penalties in the 1st half.  Garbage!”

“No idea how the score is 21 to 7 at half.  Should be at least 27 for the hogs”

“Aggies score at the end of the half.  The odds of me having a heart attack before the end of the game are 5 to 1”

“Apparently, the Hog band is the ‘best in sight and sound.’  More like the ‘best in yawn and snore’”

“Half of the Hog flag corps could play offensive guard.  Spandex isn’t meant for everyone”

“If I yelled ‘Jean Shorts!!!’ every time I saw a pair, I would have lost my voice before the game started”

“A&M with momentum in the 3rd.  Peterino’s face matches his red shirt”

“Aggies turn the ball over!  My dad has been missing for 2 quarters.  Does Cowboys Stadium have a jail cell in it?”

“Dad shows up with 7 minutes left in the 4th. No apparent hand cuff marks, so I guess he was smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in his absence”

“Arkansas pulls it out.  Great win for the Hogs”

And there you have it.  I might have thought of more if I had the opportunity to actually send them, but I was also distracted by a great game.  I’ll leave you with an experience I had in the parking lot after the game.  I wish I was making this up, but it actually happened.

A young woman apparently had too many beverages and had to relieve herself in a hurry.  Instead of walking to one of 3 port-a-potties within 100 yards of her, she decided to take care of business right where she stood.  Discretion was not an issue as she pulled down her pants and blue thong (I was close enough for this kind of detail) and commenced to squat and piss right in the middle of the lot, big white ass out for the world to see.  Keep in mind, 90% of the cars in the lot had left by this point and there really wasn’t anything to hide her.  A group of Aggie fans were walking back to their vehicle and one of the women notice my uncle and I taking in the sight.  She yelled to us, “You don’t have to stare.” To which I responded, “Well, if you’re going to put it out there….”  Only in Texas.

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One Response to What I Would have Tweeted

  1. Paul says:

    Hilarious!!!! Classic!!!!

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