Will Muschamp is a football coach. Will Muschamp is a very knowledgeable football coach. However Will Muschamp is NOT very knowledgeable about other things, whether it’s Twitter hashtags, Star Wars references or anything Italian. I wanted to see how much our coach knew outside of football. He agreed to sit down with me and allow me to pick his brain on topics other than the game he coaches.
The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me today, Will.
Will Muschamp: [stares]
TUG: Your assistant coaches have been getting a little crazy with photoshop this offseason. Do you use photoshop?
WM: I haven’t been to a photo shop in years. My wife handles all the pictures in our family. I think everything’s digital these days, ain’t it?
TUG: Uh, yeah. Um, so, the latest online trend is Vine. Will we see you using Vine anytime soon?
WM: I ain’t Tarzan, motherfucker.
TUG: Ok, fair enough. So, if you don’t use Vine, is it safe to assume you don’t use Skype, either?
WM: What’s Skype? Sounds like a disease. Maybe that’s what our receivers have had for the last few years.
TUG: Heh, good one. It’s a video service that allows you to chat face-to-face with someone online. Lots of college coaches are using it these days to communicate with recruits. Even Joe Paterno used it.
WM: You’re asking me all these computer nerd questions, I don’t really use the computer that much. Just to check my AOL email account and watch videos on that YouTube site.
TUG: What sort of videos do you watch?
WM: Mostly stuff exploding. Crazy car crashes. Cinnamon challenge. Animals eatin’ other animals. You seen that video from, I think China, of that bear racin’ a monkey and then he eats the monkey at the end of the race? Hoooo boy, that’s a good one!
TUG: I did see that one. Kind of sad, really.
WM: Sad? The hell you say! That’s just nature happening! Don’t be a pussy, boy. I’ll unlock that door over there and unleash Coach Dillman on your soft, weak ass.
[Strength coach Jeff Dillman is seen standing at the window in the next room breathing heavily, fogging up the glass. He writes, “You’re mine, buttercup” on the glass]
TUG: That man is terrifying.
WM: I keep him locked up in there. I haven’t fed him in two days. You want me to let him in here?
TUG: That won’t be necessary.
WM: Then apologize for thinking that bear video was sad.
TUG: I’m sorry for being a pussy and thinking that bear video was sad.
WM: Let me hear you say it was cool and made your nipples hard.
TUG: Oh, c’mon!
[Muschamp gets up and walks over to the door holding Dillman]
TUG: OK OK OK! It was a really cool video and it made my nipples hard!
WM: That wasn’t so hard.
TUG: Moving on. Have you had a chance to watch any of the Star Wars movies yet?
WM: Ya know, actually I have. There was one on awhile back and I started watching and it was pretty good. It was funnier than what I thought it’d be. I really got a kick out of that Dark Helmet guy. Love it when he says, “I’m surrounded by Assholes!” I feel that way sometimes. I feel that way right now, if you ask me…I’m just messing with you, son. I watched another one. Think it was, like, The Phantom something—Phantom of the Opera? No. I don’t know. It was boring. I don’t know what happened to all the jokes, but there weren’t any and that Dark Helmet guy wasn’t around, so I dozed off about halfway through. I don’t think I need to watch anymore. Seems pretty stupid.
TUG: Ok, enough questions about technology and entertainment, what are your thoughts on Benghazi?
WM: Ben Ghazi? He that receiver for Miami? I’ve only watched a little bit of tape on them this offseason, but I don’t recall seeing him. We’re focused on Toledo right now. I’ll get plenty acquainted with, uh, what was his name again? Ben Ghazi?
TUG: Uh, yeah. Ben Ghazi. That’s exactly what I was speaking about. I think he wears number 82. FSU had trouble with him.
WM: Ok. I’ll keep an eye out for him.
TUG: Well, I think on that note, I’m gonna end—
[Dillman suddenly explodes through the door]
WM: YOU BETTER RUN, BOY! GET ‘EM, JEFF! GET ‘EM!
JD: YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!