Where: Radio City Music Hall, New York City, N.Y.
When: Thursday April 26th 7:30pm; Friday April 27th 5:30pm; Saturday April 28th Noon
Watch: NFL Network
Live Stream: NFL.com Live
1. Indianapolis Colts – QB Andrew Luck
The Colts will once again use the #1 pick to draft a quarterback who never beat Florida in his college career. Suck it, Luck! Florida owns you!
2. Washington Redskins – QB Robert Griffin III
RG3 will develop into an excellent receiver for Rex Grossman to throw to.
3. Miami Dolphins (From Minnesota via Trade) – QB Ryan Tannehill
With Luck and RG3 off the board, the Dolphins will panic and trade everything to the Vikings. And I mean everything–their players, coaches, front office personnel, draft picks, and stadium. Gone. It will be up to Ryan Tannehill to single handedly rebuild the Miami franchise. He played at Texas A&M, so he’s been in worse situations.
4. Cleveland Browns – A Mustache Trimmer
Mike Holmgren’s gotta keep that push broom looking good, even at the expense of the organization. Priorities.
5. Tampa Bay Bucs – RB Trent Richardson
This pick will send LeGarrette Blount into a fury that will lead to him going on a punching spree across the country. Chip Kelly will be called in to rub Blount’s belly to subdue him. He will spend the year in the NFL’s minor league system–prison. Upon being released he’ll sign a $30 million contract with Washington.
6. St. Louis Rams – A Hearse
For when Sam Bradford’s killed behind that terrible offensive line.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars – QB John Brantley
The Jags will right the wrong they made two years ago when they passed on another Gator quarterback, Tim Tebow.
8. Minnesota Vikings (From Miami via Trade) – OT Matt Kalil
Are you sure you don’t want to draft a quarterback? No? You’re really going to go with Christian Ponder as your starter? That wasn’t a joke last season? Wow. Ok, well, I’ll see you guys right back here next year picking inside the top 10.
9. Minnesota Vikings (From Carolina via the Commissioner) – DE Melvin Ingram
The Vikings will be given a second chance by Commissioner Roger Goodell to draft a quarterback, but will elect not to. Goodell will ban them from future drafts. Carolina will complain about losing their 1st round pick. Goodell will ban them from future drafts as well.
10. Buffalo Bills – DT Fletcher Cox
He just sounds like a Buffalo Bill.
11. Kansas City Chiefs – WR Justin Blackmon
Brady Quinn’s gotta bounce passes to someone in practice. Also, Brady Quinn is with the Chiefs now. Did you know that? I didn’t know that until I started writing this. Good for him. Maybe he’ll finally catch on as a legitimate starting quahahahaha, I couldn’t finish typing that. He’s terrible.
12. Seattle Seahawks – Pass
Pete Carroll will pass on all of his picks in an effort to tank the season so he can select Matt Barkley with the #1 selection in the 2013 Draft. (Little does he know that he’ll be fired at season’s end)
13. Arizona Cardinals – LB Dont’a Hightower
The Cardinals haven’t tackled anything in seven years, they hope Hightower will change that.
14. Dallas Cowboys – S Mark Barron
“PAWWWWWLLL, it starts with Jerry Jones taking our players. Next he’s gonna try and take our coach. You can’t trust an Arkansawww man. Roll Tide!”
15. Philadelphia Eagles – DT Dontari Poe
16. New York Jets – A Trained Elephant
The elephant will be a nice addition to their three ring circus. Poor Tebow.
17. Cincinnati Bengals – CB Janoris Jenkins
This just feels right, doesn’t it?
18. San Diego Chargers – The Situation from The Jersey Shore
The Chargers need to draft someone who makes Phillip Rivers look like less of a douche by comparison.
19. Chicago Bears – Lots of Smelling Salt
Jay Cutler always looks like he’s seconds away from falling asleep or maybe that’s just the way his dumb face looks, in any case, it’s probably best to be prepared if he really is just sleepy.
20. Tennessee Titans – WR Kendall Wright
And this will be the last time you ever hear Kendall Wright’s name.
21. Cincinnati Bengals – A Cardboard Cutout of Boomer Esiason
Owner Mike Brown is a cheap man, so instead of drafting a live human being that you have to pay actual money to, he will draft this cutout and charge people to have their picture taken with it at the stadium. Brown will pocket the money and make sure it is buried with him and the rest of his money with a sign that reads, “Fuck you, Cincinnati,” when he dies.
22. Cleveland Browns – Pass
After drafting the mustache trimmer with the 3rd pick, the Browns will call it a day and go home because they’re clueless.
23. Detroit Lions – Pick Forfeited
Minutes before the draft, Roger Goodell will look over the draft order and notice the Lions picking outside the top 10. With his suspicions heightened, he will strip Detroit of their pick citing some funny business must be going on for such an awful franchise to all of a sudden be drafting in the latter portion of the 1st round.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers – A Drunk Co-Ed Blowup Doll
Gotta keep Ben Rapelisberger happy.
25. Denver Broncos – A Quarterback Not Named Tim Tebow
After making the pick, John Elway will tell reporters, “You can never have enough quarterbacks not named Tim Tebow on your roster…but let’s not kid ourselves, Tebow isn’t a quarterback.”
26. Houston Texans – QB Brock Osweiler
Because he’s like the tallest quarterback to ever play in the history of sports and this is considered news or something according to our sports overlords, ESPN, so this HAS to be mentioned every time you’re talking about Brock Osweiler. Also, everything is big in Texas. The Texans will have to raise the retractable roof on their stadium to accommodate their new gargantuan QB.
27. New England Patriots – DE Quinton Coples, DT Michael Brockers, CB Morris Claiborne, and RB Chris Rainey
Because Bill Belichick is a goddamned draft wizard!
28. Green Bay Packers – OT Johnathan Martin
Keeping Aaron Rodgers alive is a good thing.
29. Baltimore Ravens – LB Vontaze Burfict
He’s Ray Lewis, only more likely to stab a guy ON the field than off.
30. San Francisco 49ers – WR Michael Floyd
Jim Harbaugh will be the third asshole in a row that Floyd has played for, following Charlie Weis and Brian Kelly.
31. New England Patriots – QB Ryan Tannehill
Ryan Tannehill will realize the impossible task of rebuilding the Miami franchise and will trade himself to the Patriots in exchange for his soul. This will prove once again that Bill Belichick is goddamned draft wizard!
32. New York Giants – “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
For the 25th year in a row, the Giants will draft, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” in the first round.