Introducing: The Fatty Mary

Here at, we consider ourselves aficionados when it comes to creating new and exciting drinks.  When concocting new libations, our creative genius often leads us down a very dangerous and often deadly (in the long term) road.  This past weekend, yours truly went down a road that makes people who use the Bolivian Death Road look like pussies.

Though my Gator loyalty is strong, I happen to be a graduate of two different SEC Universities: The University of Arkansas and the University of Florida.  As you can imagine, I was pretty geeked up about the Arkansas vs Bama game throughout the week.  I decided it was a special enough occasion to make a bunch of collard greens to enjoy with my buddies during the game.  This collard green recipe (which I was entrusted with by my good friend Heather) is famous for two things: tasting great and adding a 2-millimeter layer of plaque to your artery walls.  What can I say…great taste comes with great consequence.  Ingredients for the recipe include the following: Ham Hocks, Sugar, Seasoned Salt, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Pepper, Hot Sauce and a STICK of Butter.  I know it sounds bad, but I guarantee that it’s some of the best greens you’ve ever had.  But I digress…

With a particularly difficult loss by my beloved Hogs behind me, I was well on my way to drunk before the Florida vs Kentucky kickoff.  After the first 15 minutes of the Gators sticking it Kentucky, I was searching for ways to entertain myself between Trey Burton touchdowns.  Just as I was running out of one-liners to amuse the crowd I started to think about what drink #13 of the night would be.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I should somehow find a way to incorporate the leftover collard green juice into what (unbeknownst at the time) would become my final drink of the evening.  This, my friends, is how the Fatty Mary came into being.  For your viewing pleasure, the Fatty Mary Recipe:

*3 Parts Tomato Juice
*2 Part Vodka (preferably from a plastic bottle)
*1 Part Collard Green Juice (also knows as “Pot Liquor”)
*Dash of Hot Sauce to taste
*Garnish with a piece of Crisp Bacon (full disclosure: bacon was not available on the inaugural Fatty Mary. The garnish was an after thought)
*Served on the rocks

Describing the Fatty Mary experience is like describing a drunken hook up with a fat chick.  You think it’s a good idea at the time, but when you sober up and realize what you’ve done you would give your left nut go back in time and talk yourself out of it.  The Fatty Mary has similar qualities and flavors as it’s more desirable cousin the Bloody Mary, but leaves you wishing that you hadn’t thought of the idea to begin with.  At first, the Fatty Mary goes down with the smoothness of every other tomato-based drink you’ve ever had.  The warmth of the Pot Liquor blends the ingredients with the spicy, salty kick of the 17 herbs and spices used to make it.  If you can choke down the entire Fatty Mary in the first 2-3 minutes of pouring it, you might think you’ve had the most delicious drink every created.  The mixture of butter, ham juices and vodka is something that we’ve all dreamed of at some point.  The problems start when the ice begins to make the butter go back to a coagulated state on top of the other ingredients.  I initially thought that the waxy feeling on my top lip was a result of the dip of tobacco I was enjoying along with my Fatty Mary.  Upon further inspection, it was due to the newly formed top layer of the drink which left a butter mustache that would make Dave Wannstedt envious.  On more than one occasion, I was forced to skim the top of my drink to avoid the inevitable heart attack it would cause before my daughter is born in January.

So there you have it.  The Fatty Mary in all her glory.  I wish I could share a picture of this magical concoction, but my knuckle joints were so swollen by my salt intake from this drink I was unable to operate the touch screen on my phone.  Tune in next week when we go south of the boarder to review our next game day drink invention: the Nacho Cheesarita.

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3 Responses to Introducing: The Fatty Mary

  1. Heather says:

    Your famous recipe?

    • Soft 19 says:

      I may have modified the recipe that was given to me originally making it my own. 🙂

      Credit is deserved….I’ll make the adjustment!

  2. Brindley says:

    You should try the bacon flavored vodka in the Fatty Mary.

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