How To Defend Yourself as A Florida Gator This Season Against Rival Teams

Thanks to @ParadigmShift35 and The Bull Gator for contributing this article:

It’s no secret that the Florida Gators are one of the most hated teams in all of College Football. This means we have to put up with a lot of insults for every mistake that one of our players or coaches make. Here is your guide to dealing with the flack associated with being a Gator fan.

Chris Rainey Text Messages

A text message was sent from Chris Rainey to a certain female last season that allegedly read “Time to die B—-”. Can we expect to see signs like these at games and this saying brought up at stadiums? Absolutely.

I think we are all going about this the wrong way. I happen to own an iPhone and man is that autocorrect feature a pain! Maybe he meant to text “Time to dine B—-“ or “Time to diet B—-“. Is it so bad to invite a nice girl out to a meal these days or tell her she may need to lose a couple of pounds? Come on rival teams, have some compassion. How many times has your phone autocorrected hell to he’ll.

Of course, if the Gators do win the game, it is perfectly acceptable to yell in the faces of opposing fans “TIME TO DIE B—-!”

Overweight Offensive Coordinator Jokes and Memes

I’ve talked about this before but don’t worry, this won’t be the last time you will hear “YOUR OFFENSE COORDINATOR IS FAT HURRRRR.” It’s gonna get old probably half way through the first home game and will stay that way. If Charlie Weis can turn John Brantley into a pro-style quarterback that doesn’t look like the John Brantley of old, I won’t care about his appearance. I won’t care if he has to have a tent on the sidelines with a full air conditioning unit. 1st downs are 1st downs. Touchdowns are touchdowns. Oh, and kiss the Super Bowl Rings B—-! Oh, and get ready for memed photos like this…

Tim Tebow is in the NFL

Ah, the message board poster favorite quotation, “You guys don’t have Tim Tebow anymore so you will lose at least five games!” This is a true statement because no team has ever won a championship without Tim Tebow. That is actually requirement one for a National Championship. Requirement two is winning all of your games. Requirement one is way more important that requirement two.

All Gator Football Players Are Criminals!

We all have heard the stories of numerous Florida Gator players getting arrested. Most of them were for “SOUR” related crimes. They don’t call it Gainesville Green for nothing. I went to the University of Florida for 5 and half years. I can’t even count how many times my friends were arrested for petty things. I realize there have been some arrests for serious crimes as well. Cops will arrest you in that town for looking at them the wrong way or standing on your own sidewalk with a beer in your hand. There is the University Police Department (UPD) and the Gainesville Police Department (GPD). An athlete may be able to get away with murder with the UPD but the GPD doesn’t care who you are. I’m sure there are other schools in the country that you could kidnap a cop’s daughter and get off scott free.

Hopefully the Will Muschamp era brings an end to this. Muschamp made an example of Janoris Jenkins for his 3rd arrest. Only 2 of these were SOUR related.

Get ready to have your responses ready to all of these categories because you know you are going to hear them from every rival possible on every message board, every tweet, and every passerby fan.

Follow ParadigmShift35 on twitter or check him out at The Bull Gator.

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3 Responses to How To Defend Yourself as A Florida Gator This Season Against Rival Teams

  1. YoMomma says:

    You ain’t nothin but a 2-bit, jort wearing redneck!

  2. Zo says:

    Not frat.

  3. ecuamerican says:

    Fat jokes never get old. Charlie Weiss will always be fat. Hence, rocket scientist man, Charlie jokes will never get old.

    Also, how do you combat “jorts”?

    50 days away…

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