If you haven’t heard, ESPN’s College GameDay will be in Gainesville for Saturday’s game against South Carolina. Now, unless something happens ticket-wise, I won’t be attending the game. I gave these tickets to my parents before the season began because society tells me I’m suppose to love them and do nice things for them. Society is dumb and needs to shut up and quit judging people.
And no, this is not a plea for someone to offer me their tickets for $200 a piece because fuck you with that price. I’m perfectly happy watching the game at home in a beanbag chair in my underwear with potato chip crumbs sprinkled across my chest.
I’m mostly disappointed I won’t be there to attend GameDay because I have a wealth of top-notch sign ideas and instead of letting these puppies go to waste, I’m going to share them with you. Some of the signs this year at other campuses have been a disappointment, so I want Gator fans to set the bar.
Before I lay these ideas on you, let me say, you may use any of them and I hope you do, BUT, if you do, you MUST CREDIT THE UNSPORTSMANLIKE GENTLEMAN! If you do not heed this warning and rip me off, I will find you and stick a funnel in your ass and fill it with fire ants. Are we clear? Good. Let’s begin.
1. Our friends to the north, Georgia, have only hosted GameDay twice in ’98 and ’08. Conversely, this will be Florida’s 11th time hosting. Florida has also appeared on GameDay more than any other school (I don’t know if that is correct, but it sounds about right and I don’t like doing research because facts, bleh). So, show the Dawgs we’re thinking about them with this…
“When’s GameDay going to Athens? LOLOLOL”
2. Hey, who reads binary code? Not too many people. I’ve always wanted to see a sign with binary code on it and by-God, I think it’s time we do something about that. Not only will it make Florida fans look smart, but you can get dirty words seen on television and know one will be the wiser. Here’s the code for “fuck”:
Go ahead, throw those numbers on a sign and unless a robot is watching at home, no one’s gonna know. It’ll be our little secret. If you want to have fun making a binary code sign, you can use this binary code translator here.
3. This one will require participation from a USC fan and very strategic placement to appear on camera. One of you holds a sign over Kirk Herbstreit’s shoulder that reads, “Your Team Is Woefully Insufficient,” while the other person holds a sign over Desmond Howard’s shoulder (or whomever’s sitting to Chris Fowler’s right) that reads, “I Politely Disagree, YOUR Team Is Woefully Insufficient”. Or you could go for something random: “Tacos > Burritos”/”Burritos > Tacos” or “Team Jacob”/”Team Edward”. You see what I’m driving at here–conflicting viewpoints, but the key is to have one sign on each side of the set, so when the camera cuts to Herbstreit, then back to Howard it looks like there’s an argument occurring behind them.
4. Samantha Steele or as I call her–Not Erin Andrews. She’s the apple of everyone’s eye now that Erin left. Every week you see a sign asking her to marry the bum holding the sign. I think we can be little more original. Try these:
-“Samantha, I want a divorce.”
-“Samantha, don’t forget to pick our kids up from soccer practice.”
-“Samantha, sorry I never called you back.”
-“Samantha, good news, the doctor said it was just a cold sore!”
-“Samantha, hope you enjoyed last night. I know I did. Wink wink.” — See, I’m implying we had sex is what I’m getting at here. Although a girl like Samantha Steele is clearly out of my league because I’m an overweight, unemployed, 35 year old man who cries himself to sleep every night. No one will ever love me. I’ve alienated all of my friends and family. I’m obnoxious and unpleasant to be around, which I’m sure you can tell by this sign harassing and objectifying a woman who’s out here trying to do her job. I should be ashamed of myself, but I died inside years ago and no longer feel shame or have any self-respect. I will go now and leave you fine folks alone. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.”
5. “Stephen Garcia drank my other sign”. Pretty self-explanatory.
6. Or you could not use any of these and just show your love for me or the guys here at Our Two Bits.
-“I love The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman!”
-“Our Two Bits is the tits!” That one rhymes!
-Also, I would love to see anyone holding up an “Albalmlaa” sign.
Welp, I hope I’ve provided some inspiration. Don’t disappoint me on Saturday.