Dumpster Fire: The Best Bad Games of Week One of College Football

Dumpster Fire

Back in June, Morgan Moriarty highlighted the top games for week one of the college football season on this very site. Well, all I can say is—DON’T NO ONE CARE ‘BOUT THEM GAMES, MORGAN! If you’re like me (and you should be because if everyone was like me, the world would be a lot more awesome than it is), you love college football because of the beautiful imperfections that can lead to absolute meltdowns and those wonderful “THIS GAME IS MAKING ME DRINK LIGHTER FLUID” moments. College football is great because it can be so terrible and completely bizarre sometimes. So I’m here to provide you with the best worst games of week one.

Note: 2012 record in parenthesis.

Presbyterian (2-9) vs. Wake Forest (5-7): Presbyterian opens the season playing a school from the ACC. WHY DON’T YOU GROW A PAIR, PRESBYTERIAN, AND PLAY SOMEONE FROM FCS??? WHY YOU SCARED???

UNLV (2-11) vs. Minnesota (6-7): I’m pretty certain the walls of the stadium will begin to melt halfway through the first quarter in this derp-off.

Murray State (5-6) vs. Missouri (5-7): Missouri’s a fun bad team to watch. They have enough talent on offense with James Franklin and Dorial Green-Beckham to hit some big plays, but they don’t execute very well and their defense is a mess. Murray State runs a spread offense and they throw a lot. So, fingers crossed everything will be on fire by game’s end.

FIU (3-9) vs. Maryland (4-8): Maryland was forced to play a linebacker at quarterback last year. A linebacker. [Insert Tim Tebow joke here]. Your coaches in this star-studded dumpster fire are Ron Turner and Randy Edsall. Terrible things are going to happen. Your internal organs will try to leave your body if you dare watch. However, if you watched the 2011 Florida-Auburn game, you should be immune.

Austin Peay (2-9) vs. Tennessee (5-7): This game would be waaaaaaaay more fun if Tyler Bray had stuck around for another year, but alas, he and his back tattoo left us for the life of an undrafted NFL rookie getting his chance to bro-out in Kansas City.

Washington State (3-9) vs. Auburn (3-9): First of all, I don’t know who decided to schedule these two teams to play each other, but thank you! If you’re going to watch one bad game during the first week, this is the one. Mike Leach. Gus Malzahn. Two coaches that want to score 75 points a game, but only have the talent for 7.5 a game.

Kentucky (2-10) vs. Western Kentucky (7-6): Yeah, Western Kentucky had a winning record last year, but Kentucky’s involved meaning Kentucky’s going to lose this game. Wildcat fans are quite optimistic about Fredo Stoops and his coaching staff and how well they’ve done recruiting so far that they’ve become delusional and obnoxious. I hate to break it to you, no, wait, I LOVE to break this to you—your team still sucks. Hey, maybe Fredo Stoops is the right man for the job and he turns the program around and they become respectable, but it’s not happening for another two or three years. Right now, your team is a car that has no engine, radiator, carburetor, brakes, seat belts, battery, exhaust, and tires. It’s just sitting on cinder blocks in the high grass of a redneck’s front lawn. Oh and this game is also Bobby Petrino’s return to college football. So, yeah, you’re going to lose by two touchdowns, Kentucky. Enjoy!

Idaho (1-11) vs. North Texas (4-8): There’s a good chance former Florida assistant, now North Texas head coach, Dan McCarney will start drinking during this game. That should be more than enough to get you to tune in.

Miami Ohio (4-8) vs. Marshall (5-7): Yeah, I don’t really care.

Texas State (4-8) vs. Southern Miss (0-12): Southern Miss went to a bowl game in 2011 under Larry Fedora, then lost every damn game last year with new head coach Ellis Johnson. Like, hhhhow? That’s just impressive. I have to tip my hat to Ellis Johnson. Southern Miss was on autopilot, then gave the controls to a corgi and immediately plummeted to the ground, but goddamn they looked cute doing it. RIP corgi pilot. Anyway, Johnson got canned and was replaced by Oklahoma State OC Todd Monken. He cusses just as much as his offense throws the ball, which is why I like him a lot.

UAB (3-9) vs. Troy (5-7): One of those classic matchups where the offenses are good, but the defenses make grown men openly weep and seek solace in the warm, burly arms of other weeping men. YAY, POINTS!

Colorado (1-11) vs. Colorado State (4-8): This in-state rivalry is scheduled for the first week so they can get this shitshow out of the way as quickly as possible.

Toledo (9-4) vs. Florida (11-2): Let’s face it, this game is going to suck. Whatever optimism you have about Florida winning comfortably, you should probably rein that in now. Florida played down to their competition last season. There are still a lot of question marks on offense. Toledo has a good offense. Antonio Morrison’s suspended. It’s going to suck. At least for three quarters it’s definitely going to suck. Florida’s getting out of this game in the fourth with a late touchdown that makes it seem like it wasn’t as close. Final 28-17.

BONUS BAD GAME: South Dakota (1-10) vs. Kansas (1-11): This game is in week 2. Charlie Weis apparently needs all the time he can get to prepare for mighty South Dakota because the Jayhawks don’t play in week 1. Sorry, Charlie, but you can’t escape my wrath that easily. Ol’ Charlie Boy called his team a pile of crap this offseason. Well, you know that huge pile of triceratops crap in Jurassic Park? Ok, well, imagine it was radioactive and it had the capability of firing nuclear shit missiles and it killed everyone you loved. That’s what this game is. This game will surely be used as torture at Guantanamo. As soon as this game is finished, Seal Team Six will barge in and destroy all copies of the film and dump the remains in the ocean. One day, Tom Rinaldi will do a College GameDay piece about how awful this game was and we will all cry for having to relive it. The parents of the players won’t even attend or watch this game. If there is a way to score negative points, these two teams will find a way and in the process, create a black hole consuming our galaxy. This game will not be so bad it’s good. It will be just plain bad. Therefore, I cannot, in good conscience, recommend that anyone watch this game.

The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman can be found on twitter, @UnsportsmanGent. He’s famous for the Muschamp Intensity Meter.

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