Degeneration: Beer, Bets and Beating off

After three weeks, we’ve scratched out a modest 9-7-1 mark. It’s enough to cover the juice and have a little left over for a trip to Costco to pick up a case of Fat Tire. Yeah, Fat Tire. You got a problem with that? Drinking high quality beer is one of the few things we can still control in a life dominated on a daily basis by work, wives and whiny kids.

The other things that make life worth living are slowly slipping away. Watching football? Good luck trying to watch a game live with any regularity if you have any conscience about also being a good father. Besides games I’ve attended or championship games, I’ve watched maybe four Gators games live from start to finish without any interruptions since the day my first progeny was born over four seasons ago. And if you love college football like we do, forget about the NFL. Sundays are where your wife pays you back with chores, trips to Ikea and family outings.

Gambling? Again, that damn conscience reminding you not to blow little Johnny’s chances of following in your footsteps at UF. Have you seen the increases in tuition lately? Fuck! I haven’t been to Vegas since 2005, when it was actually cool to be there. And who knows when I’ll be back. The Mad Men who came up with the idea that Vegas is a family destination pitched that idea in the midst of a drunken bender like Don Draper after he won the Clio.

The third tenant of manhood – masturbation. Kids are sneaky. They can be anywhere at any time, even when you’ve just checked and seen them in deep slumber. They defy the laws of physics. Walls and closed doors mean nothing to them. You want to scar your kid for life? Let him stumble into the room and catch his old man bent over to a magazine or a laptop screen. Years of therapy for your boy are just not worth those furious 30 seconds with your favorite website.

So I need my tasty, refreshing hops. I’ll be damned if I ever buy any piss made by Coors or Budweiser again.

On to the picks…

Alabama -7 – Bama was completely overexposed in the preseason and first week or two but now are probably underrated. Everyone is talking about Oregon, Boise State and Ohio State. Well excuse me but the defending champs are fierce. The Hogs D stands no chance of slowing them. And Bama will take away any running game and be able to defend Mallett enough to win by double digits. Plus, as we’ve mentioned before, we’re riding them until they don’t cover.

West Virginia +10 – Have the linemakers seen Jordan Jefferson?

South Carolina +3 – The ‘Ol Ball Coach is back, dropping one-liners and roasting rivals like he is Jeffrey Ross. We’re buying the Cocks and the inevitable stomach pain the Stephen Garcia train will make us endure in this one.

Fresno State +2 – How can Ole Miss be favored over anyone right now? Pat Hill’s wild bunch won’t be intimated by the trip to SEC country.

Penn State -14 – this is one we normally wouldn’t touch but we’re trusting a Vegas wise guy to deliver us some coin here. Bernie Pierce is legit for Temple but Evan Royster will outshine on Saturday.

Notre Dame +4.5 – Stanford is trendy right now because of its obscene rape of Wake Forest which was preceded by an equally gruesome fisting of UCLA. We trust Brian Kelly as a coach, which means the Irish are getting better each week (not in the Zooker sense of not actually getting better). Notre Dame will be ready to contain Andrew Walter just enough to steal one here.

Oregon State +18.5 – this is a lot of points for everyone’s darling to lay against a competitive, talented Beavers squad. We expect a high scoring affair that’ll keep the final margin within single digits.

Bonus Friday night play… TCU -18 – The Frogs know the huge national audience (OK, probably us and EDSBS will be the only ones watching) gives them a chance to make a statement to voters. Andy Dalton enters the Heisman conversation tonight.

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