Dear Florida State University Seminoles football team,
You probably already know who I am, but for the one or two of you who don’t, I’m The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman. I come from a prestigious line of Unsportsmanlike Gentlemen. My full name is actually Unsportsmanlike Gentleman III. My articles on Florida football have been seen in Time, Newsweek, and the Bakersfield Gazette. I’ve won Pulitzers (yes, plural), a Daytime Emmy, and even received a letter from the Queen of England requesting to have sex with me. However, I respectfully declined. Not because she is old, but because she is British and my ancestors did not fight for our glorious independence alongside General George Washington in the dead of winter for me to turn around 237 years later and engage in carnal passion with the figure head of that limey, tea sipping country!
But, enough about me. I come to you today to speak about this weekend’s game. As you are gleefully aware, my beloved Florida Gators are having quite the disastrous season. It is painfully clear that the Football Gods exist and they are furious with the Florida Gators (Gaytors? Are you also still spelling it the homophobic way or is it just Miami these days?). Bad luck and injuries have gutted what seemed like a promising season all the way back in August. The season has progressively gotten worse and each week is another shot right to our hairy grapefruits. Big Dumb Will Muschamp Football is no fun. I’ve never been so miserable in all my life. Even more than when my wife and kids left me, but I never cared about them as much as I do about Florida football. She knew that going into the marriage. It’s not my fault I missed our wedding to attend the Florida-Tennessee game. Who schedules a fall wedding? She did a really poor job planning our wedding. Man, she’s so dumb. So glad she left me.
Anyway, I’m not here to solicit sympathy from you about Florida’s pitiful season because I know that would be an exercise in futility. No, in fact, I’m here for quite the opposite. You see, this season is already, pardon my language, in the shitter, so my reasoning is that since things are so bad, let’s go ahead and make things as awful as possible and get all these awful things out of the way this season. Florida already lost to Vanderbilt for the first time in 22 years. It had to happen sometime and I’m glad it did this year and not when Florida’s actually good. Then, two weeks later, they followed up that comical performance with one for the ages by losing to an FCS school for the first time ever.
What I’m asking of you, Florida State, is to finish us off in magnificent, gruesome fashion. Put us out of our misery. Make us suffer for three more hours. Run up the score and don’t stop until the clock strikes triple zeros. When you’re up 40-3 to start the fourth quarter, please leave Jameis in and keep throwing. Throw it deep and often. I know you have the ACC Championship game next weekend and at some point you’ll think about pulling your starters to preserve them, but c’mon, it’s Duke. You don’t need to preserve guys. You’re not Miami. Your second team could beat Duke. Leave your starters in and step on Florida’s throat for sixty minutes and never let up. I want you to set a record for most points scored on Florida. Go for it on every fourth down. Run trick plays when you’re up by five touchdowns. Onside kick when you’re up by six touchdowns. Bring an all-out blitz on the quarterback when you’re up by seven touchdowns.
Not only do I want to get all these bad things out of the way this season, but also because we deserve it. The Gator Nation deserves this season because in five years when Kliff Kingsbury is in his third year as head coach at Florida and goes 9-3 and fans are screaming that “he sucks” and “the defensive coordinator needs to be fired” and “Kingsbury ain’t a Florida boy, we can’t trust him” we can grab those idiots and say, “listen here, you goddamn troglodyte, we will happily take a 9-3 season in which we beat Georgia because five years ago, we were 4-8 and everything was on fire and I went to jail for crimes I’d rather not say as a result. Always have high expectations, but do not allow yourself to become spoiled. We are fortunate to have the season we just had and will appreciate and savor every win like finding water in a desert because college football is cyclical and we are one of the lucky ones. This is a gift from the fickle Football Gods and we shall cherish it! Bathe in the knowledge of knowing that these mighty Florida Gators are among the chosen few who reach nine wins in a season. Only one below average season since 1979 is a blessing and those who fail to see it are doomed to be punished with more of the same bad fortune that plagued that team we do not speak of way back in 2013. Now, apologize to the Football Gods before they smite us again!”
This is your chance to gain my respect, Florida State. Follow through on what I’m asking and you will be my second favorite team in the world. I will root for you hard in the national championship game. I will spend a day earnestly trying to convince people that the Seminole nickname and Chief Osceola are honoring the Seminole tribe and are in no way offensive. I will have unprotected sex with one of your coeds to prove that not all Florida State females are riddled with STDs despite what all the jokes on the internet say. I know you don’t need a reason to want to beat Florida’s brains in while they’re down, but trust me, you’re going to want my respect. You need my respect. Go out there Saturday and make it as miserable as possible on the field for me and all those Gators fans. I will love you for it.
The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman
P.S. I will settle for 60 points, but I want at least 81. You just put 80 on Idaho, so push yourself just a little more and you can achieve anything!