Christmas Wish Lists – Florida Edition

Christmas is less than two weeks away and if you’re still scrambling to think of gift ideas for some of the players and coaches, don’t worry because I’ve managed to get a hold of a few of their Christmas wish lists.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But TUG, it’s illegal to provide gifts to players,” and normally you’d be right, but this is Christmas–the season of giving. It’s totally OK to give presents to players for Christmas. It says so in NCAA bylaw 14.B. which states that players are allowed to receive gifts for the holidays as long as you write “From: Santa Claus” on the little tag. If it’s illegal to receive gifts from Santa Claus, then Ol’ St. Nick is the most renegade booster in history and we’d all have gotten the death penalty a long time ago. So, go ahead and show these players how much you appreciate them and get them something nice for Christmas!*

*Editor’s Note: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD–DO NOT DO THIS.

Will Muschamp
– A goddamn offensive coordinator.
– A goddamn offensive line.
– A goddamn offensive line coach. (Verducci hasn’t left yet, but shit, even if he doesn’t, might as well get a second one.)
– A goddamn strength and conditioning coach.
– A goddamn Bear archery carnage compound bow.
– A goddamn Natchez Bowie hunting knife.
– A couple of goddamn live rattlesnakes so I can kill, skin, and make myself some boots out of them.
– Some goddamn whiskey. Lots of it.

Kerwin Bell
– Someone to put in a good word for me to Will Muschamp.

John Brantley
– A goddamn offensive line.
– One of those gizmos from Men In Black that erases people’s memories.
– If that memory wiping gizmo is unavailable, then I’d like a one-way ticket to somewhere far away from Gainesville, so I can start a new life.

Chris Rainey
– A goddamn offensive line.
– White girls.
– A personal assistant to proofread and edit my texts.
– Season 2 of One Tree Hill–don’t hate.

Mike Gillislee
– More carries.

Dominique Easley
– A brain.

Jelani Jenkins
– Some Stickum.
– RAID Ant & Roach Spray.

Matt Elam
– Transfer papers to Ball So Hard University.
– A pet monkey. Shit would be cool.

Billy Donovan
– A 6’10” post player.
– Another 6’10 post player.
– Hair gel.
– Anti-perspirant.
– Some shrimp, stone crab, blue crab, spine lobster, oysters, clams, grouper and snapper.

Erving Walker
– A new car. I totaled my last one driving into traffic recklessly.
– An Ewok costume.
– Jenga. It’s a fun game.

Will Hill
– Weed.
– Sour Patch Kids.
– Sour Gummy Worms.
– Sour Skittles.
– Sour Gummy Life Savers.

Janoris Jenkins
– Weed.
– Directions out of Alabama.
– Weed.

Brandon Spikes
– Don’t want shit.
– Don’t need shit.
– PoWwWWWwwwWWwWw.

Tim Tebow
– I don’t want or need anything materialistic. I have the love and support of my family, friends, and teammates. Everyday is Christmas for me because of that and I thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for being surrounded by so many amazing people. All I truly want is for everyone to have a very Merry Christmas and enjoy your time with your loved ones. Christmas is about giving and I would rather give than receive, that is why I will be giving a few of my signed game balls to my biggest fan, Merril Hoge, this Christmas. I hope they bring him as much joy as I got from earning them. GB²


This Guest Post is from “The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman”. He can be found on twitter as well, @UnsportsmanGent. If you haven’t already please read his world famous “Muschamp Intensity Meter” post.

Be Sociable, Share!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *