Bring Back White Helmets

Bring back the white helmets. Bring ‘em back! BAAAAACCCKKKKK!!! I want the white helmets back. Not for one game—permanently. Don’t get me wrong, I like the orange ones, but they’ve been around for 30+ years. I’ve grown somewhat tired of them. It’s time for a change. I don’t care what white helmets they bring back, whether it’s the throwbacks they wore in 2006 against Ablmalmlla, the Nike ones they wore in 2009, or a white version of the current helmet. Just give me a white helmet.

I know what you’re saying, “But TUG, they got hammered the last time they wore those white helmets and I never want to see them again. Shoot them into the sun.” Look, if Florida had been wearing the orange ones, Alblaamma would’ve just knocked the orange off of them that day.

“Oh, you’re exaggerating. The Tide didn’t knock the orange off their helmets the last two times they played.” That’s because Florida had a guy on their sideline applying a fresh coat of paint after every play. You must’ve missed that because your eyes were too busy spurting blood watching Florida get debacled.

It’s silly to believe uniforms have any bearing on the outcome of a game when we all know the only true way to effect the outcome is to eat exactly two hot dogs before the game, snap your fingers six times before each play and listen to Soundgarden’s “Spoonman” at halftime.

People wanted the orange jerseys back and whatdaya know? They’re back! I never wanted them back, but now I’m glad they are. I’m just tired of the team looking like Clemson when they wear them. And I don’t like them looking like Syracuse when they wear the blue jerseys with the orange pants. “But TUG, they’re gonna look like Auburn with the white helmets!” Good. I like Auburn’s uniforms. And maybe if Florida dressed like Auburn they COULD BEAT THE SONS-A-BITCHES EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!!!

The white helmets are sharp. Trust me, you’re gonna want the white helmets. Join me in demanding the white helmets return permanently by using the hashtag #BringBackTheWhiteHelmets on all forms of social media and writing your local congressman or bombarding the athletic department or spreading the word or whatever you people did to bring the orange jerseys back. We can do this and together help make Florida a sharper looking football team. Plus, it’s the offseason. I’m bored. I’m sure you’re bored. So, this will give us something to do. #BringBackTheWhiteHelmets

(Sung to the tune of The Rolling Stones’ “Wild Horses”) <– CLICK the link if you were born in a cave and have never heard the song

Gainesville living is easy to do
The things you wanted Spurrier bought for you
Gator lady you know who I am
You know I can’t let you slide through my hands
White helmets, shouldn’t be stored away
White white helmets shouldn’t be stored away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No pulling guards or scrimmage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
White helmets, shouldn’t be stored away
White white helmets shouldn’t be stored away

I know I’ve dreamed you while I was high
I have my freedom but I don’t have much time
The orange is broken and I’ve grown so tired
Let’s make it white before we die
White helmets, shouldn’t be stored away
White white helmets we’ll wear them someday
White helmets, shouldn’t be stored away
White white helmets we’ll wear them someday

#BringBackWhiteHelmets

The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman can be found on twitter, @UnsportsmanGent. He’s famous for the Muschamp Intensity Meter.
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