We all know Will Muschamp is an intense guy, but just how intense? This meter will help you gauge his intensity throughout the season.
Level 1: Calm, but extremely alert. Can hear photosynthesis occurring. Can see air. Looking for someone to try him. Hasn’t had his coffee yet.
When is he this intense: Sleeping, eating breakfast, reading the paper, taking questions from the media, staring matches, ordering food, fishing.
Levels 2-3: Excited. Frightens his children when congratulating them. “WAY TO GO, JACKSON! YOU KNOCKED THAT OUT OF THE PARK! DON’T CRY, SON! THIS IS HOW I CLAP! I’M SO GODDAMN PROUD OF YOU, BOY!” Also, how he looks killing a fly.
When is he this intense: Kids little league games, watching game film, making a sandwich, duck hunting.
Levels 4-6: Just getting warmed up. Does some screaming exercises. Yells ten BOOM MOTHERFUCKERs into a mirror. Moving into his comfort zone. Really needs to hit something.
When is he this intense: Opening kickoff, eating a steak, anytime he hears Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son”, boar hunting.
Levels 7-8: A fist-tornado warning has been issued for the Gainesville area. A fist-tornado was spotted touching down near Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. This fist-tornado is capable of producing high winds, knuckles of fury, spittle, and extreme pain. Seek shelter in the middle of your home.
When is he this intense: Defense allows more than zero points, Watching MMA, taking a dump, playing Monopoly, buck hunting.
Level 9: Spontaneous cranial bleeding. Not a single fuck is given.
When is he this intense: After losses, lion hunting.
Level 10: Total adrenaline overload. Levitation achieved. Blissful rage. His “Happy Place”. Orgasm imminent.
When is he this intense: Rivalry games, sex, hunting the deadliest game–man.