Guest Post from “The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman”. Yes, he is back!!! He’s famous for his Muschamp Intensity Meter, and he can be found on twitter at @UnsportsmanGent. Now he takes on the “S-E-C Chant” and it’s absurdity. Enjoy…
It’s good to be back writing for Bourbon Meyer! I took the summer off to find myself in a spiritual quest, but it was really hot outside, so I stayed inside and watched episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and ate ice cream. In the end, I did find myself. Turns out I value air conditioning, junk food, and snarky robots above all else. That’s all I need to be truly happy. Anywho, it’s been a few months since I’ve posted here and wait a minute. Where am I? Our Two Bits? Aw, man, I posted on the wrong website again. Last week it was that transvestite foot fetish site, now this. I gotta stop doing so much peyote while I’m blogging.
What’s that? I’m told Bourbon Meyer changed their name while I was gone. Oh, good. I was worried for a second. Well, it looks good, but I’m a little upset that I wasn’t consulted about the name change. I would’ve gone with Cornelius Ingram Slayed Twelve Dragons dot com or Fart dot com. I’m full of good ideas.
Ok, enough nonsense. Time to get down to business and the real reason I’m here–college football’s almost here! Can you taste the leather, dirt, and sweat in your mouth? I can. Mostly because I’m eating a steak from Outback right now. ZING! I kid. Outback steaks aren’t that bad. I know for a fact dogs love them.
I want to address a behavior among college football fans–mainly SEC fans–that baffles me and with your help, I’d like to begin a movement to hopefully stomp it out. I’m talking about conference pride, specifically chanting “S-E-C!”
Let me start off by making this abundantly clear–the only SEC school I consistently root for when they’re not playing Florida is South Carolina and that’s ONLY because of Stephen Orr Spurrier. I love that man. As soon as he leaves USC, I hope they hire Ron Zook and go back to being a conference doormat forever. Florida needs to erect a statue of Spurrier. They did? Well, then I hope they erect another one of him. I don’t care that he isn’t dead yet. And no, I didn’t learn anything from Penn State and Joe Paterno’s statue because I was too busy avoiding the details of that horror movie with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears yelling, “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Give everyone a statue. What happened at PSU can’t happen again, can it? Dear God, please tell me that can’t happen again?
Focus. Let’s get back on track. The other schools in the SEC can go hold metal rods in a lightning storm for all I care. I don’t understand conference pride. You never see this in professional sports. You didn’t see Cubs fans chanting “N-L Central!” after the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series last year. One, because it’s not catchy. And two, it’s so incredibly dumb. And the last thing SEC fans need is anything that makes us look dumber. We’ve got plenty of other reasons to look dumb: jorts, Bear Bryant tattoos, the state of Mississippi. We don’t need to go around chanting the conference name every time an SEC school wins a non-conference game. I don’t know what it is about college sports where the fans of a particular conference want to kill each other during the season, but come bowl season, everyone’s singing “Kumbaya” as they lube up for the circle jerk. Some people chant “S-E-C” ironically. No. I don’t do it period and neither should you.
Yes, I understand the SEC is the most dominant athletic conference in college sports. All the national championships, All-Americans, high round draft picks, and off-field arrests are there to support this fact.
However, until Florida receives a trophy and a banner as a result of another SEC school winning the national championship, I’m not rooting for anyone else. I want every SEC school to lose and I want it to be embarrassing, not just during bowl season, but ALL season. Now, of course there are rare times when I will root for an SEC team, like if they’re playing a team I dislike more, for example, Miami, FSU or Middle Tennessee State (they know what they did. FUCK YOU, BLUE RAIDERS!). But again, those instances are few and far between.
There were Gator fans rooting for Kentucky basketball during the NCAA Tournament Championship Game. The reasoning for some? “SEC, man.” SEC my ass. I could understand rooting for Kentucky under any other circumstance. Maybe you like Anthony Davis as a player. Fine. Maybe you just want Ashley Judd to be happy. Fine. But because they’re in the same conference? Get the hell out of here. I will never root for Kentucky basketball. The only possible way is if they played a game in a prison against the inmates and even then, depending on what the inmates were in for, I would consider rooting for the inmates. If it were a team of murderers and pedophiles, then no, I’ll root for Kentucky. But if they’re in there for drugs or theft, hell yeah, I’m rooting for the inmates.
And now we have these yahoos from Texas A&M and Missouri planting billboards every 10ft across America showing off their SEC boners to anyone who will look, even though they haven’t played a game as a member of the conference yet. This comes on top of the Aggies chanting “S-E-C” at the end of their game against Texas last season. This shit is embarrassing.
I’m asking everyone right now before we get into another season to knock it off. Please. Spread the word that this behavior needs to stop.